Creating Forward // March 2023

Degas and Dance Moms

I’m giving myself grace to be coming in so late with this post. At the end of March, I developed a gradual loss of vision in one eye that ended in a hospitalization and several scary tests, steroid treatments, and a new, humbled perspective on so much. I am really grateful to tell you that my vision is almost completely normal again and I am healthy.

In the days where my vision was its worst and my fears of what could be haunted every moment, I thought of French painter and sculptor, Edward Degas. I’ve found myself very drawn to his paintings of dancers, which are many. It is said he loved painting movement and pretty clothes, which was his main draw. He later became a photographer as well. He also began losing his vision in his 40s. This did not prevent him from continuing to pursue his creative work. I recently read he leaned into his work of sculpture at this time, because he could create by feel. You can read more about Degas and his life’s work here (Disclaimer: like many famous artists, his life is controversial).

Isla has been doing dance for about four years now. We did not get to do her first couple of performances due to the pandemic. Our first full performance we got to see of hers is one I will never forget. I remember getting a stomach ache as I waited to see her come on stage - did I not prepare her at all for stage fright and what it’s like to be on the stage in front of people? Will she cry if she gets scared? If she makes a mistake? Jason and I sat in awe as we watched her beaming, remembering every step, cueing her classmates. Afterwards, she leaped into my arms and squealed “I just LOVE being on stage!”

I would have never thought I’d be a dance mom. The phrase always conjured up negative connotations from TV dramas. I’m understanding the grit and resilience that lies underneath it all. I never realized what it would be like to learn what it means to be courageous from my seven year old daughter. Dance life is woven into our family culture now - and we are better for it.

I snapped this - just on my phone - while observing her in class last night. I love so much about it. I wouldn’t have seen this moment if it weren’t for the paintings of Degas I have grown to love. One thing I love the most are the two Degas paintings behind Isla. It all ties together what this project is about - how appreciating the work of others compels us to create it forward.

She loves ballet, therefore I love to 

Thoughtfully pack a ballet bag filled to the brim

Extra tights, ballet shoes, bobby pins and hair ties; combs and hair gel

I smooth down fly-aways, a dollop of blush on her eager cheek

Little mouse whiskers and a tiny heart nose 

wiped on and off, on and off

Countless miles and gas tanks and permanent crumbs

 in my van between home and dress rehearsals

Audio books and singing along to JJ Heller

Doting over her - her courage, strength and poise. 

“Don’t you get nervous?” She doesn’t hesitate 

“no!” through her beautiful, brave grin.

I watch her again and again 

- cartwheel, tendu, plie - 

she’s fearless, and maybe I can be too.

*I wrote this freewrite in a workshop with Sonya Spillman via the Exhale Creativity community - and it was excellent. You can check out her other offerings, as well as many others here.